Exercise in Remembering

It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace. -- Chuck Palahniuk from Diary

This is such an interesting idea.  It presupposes that we learn only from the scars of pain.  I'm not sure I adhere to that thought.  However, in my case, I find that it is true that it is harder to forget the pain than to remember the sweetness.

Yesterday was the 4th anniversary of my mother's death.  It has always been a difficult day for me.  I suspect, and I've been told, it doesn't get easier.  It seems on this day all the longing, the regrets, the what should have beens come flooding in.

My mother loved me immensely.  I loved her just as much.

But, there was a disconnect.  There was an emotional detachment that I don't quite understand. 

It makes it hard to remember the sweetness.

So yesterday I began an exercise in purposeful remembering.  I started to write the things, the wonderful beautiful things I do remember.  A special birthday cake.  An after school project.  A recipe book.
Her sparkling eyes.  Her beautiful smile.  Her songs.  Her warmth.  Her love.

I want to jumpstart my memory.  I want to remember more sweetness. I want it to last.  I want happiness to sear my heart. My mind. My memory.  I want to have scars from peace.

Peace

It seems for the majority of my life my goal has been to gain some sense of Peace.

To stop the free fall into the abyss.

I like Peace. 

I need Peace.

And trust me my life has need of Peace. Probably the past has caused an undue emphasis on the need for Peace.

However, the sad fact is that I have had an extreme definition of Peace.  That definition has encompassed there being no disturbance, no friction, no upset of any kind effecting what I feel is my balance.  So, if the actions of another cause a disturbance, friction, or upset -- guess what?  Yep.  They are out. I might get to keep my sense of balance, but people tend to get just thrown aside because let's face it, nothing is more important than my sense of peace.

I'm not saying Peace shouldn't be a goal.  However, a re-examination of my definition of Peace is probably in order.

So how does one keep the Peace and keep the People as well?