Exercise in Remembering

It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace. -- Chuck Palahniuk from Diary

This is such an interesting idea.  It presupposes that we learn only from the scars of pain.  I'm not sure I adhere to that thought.  However, in my case, I find that it is true that it is harder to forget the pain than to remember the sweetness.

Yesterday was the 4th anniversary of my mother's death.  It has always been a difficult day for me.  I suspect, and I've been told, it doesn't get easier.  It seems on this day all the longing, the regrets, the what should have beens come flooding in.

My mother loved me immensely.  I loved her just as much.

But, there was a disconnect.  There was an emotional detachment that I don't quite understand. 

It makes it hard to remember the sweetness.

So yesterday I began an exercise in purposeful remembering.  I started to write the things, the wonderful beautiful things I do remember.  A special birthday cake.  An after school project.  A recipe book.
Her sparkling eyes.  Her beautiful smile.  Her songs.  Her warmth.  Her love.

I want to jumpstart my memory.  I want to remember more sweetness. I want it to last.  I want happiness to sear my heart. My mind. My memory.  I want to have scars from peace.