It Is Mine

You may know what I’ve been through

You may have even been through the similar yourself,

You may know all the things that have happened to me

Every blow by blow

Every bruise and wound

Every scar left behind

But, you don’t know the sorrow of my soul

That is unique to me

It has been my own

Likewise, you may know what I’ve overcome

You may have even overcome as well

You may know every demon I’ve battled

Every war I’ve won

Every release and freedom I’ve been given

Every healing I’ve known

But, you don’t know the joy of my soul

That is unique to me

It is my own.

Exercise in Remembering

It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace. -- Chuck Palahniuk from Diary

This is such an interesting idea.  It presupposes that we learn only from the scars of pain.  I'm not sure I adhere to that thought.  However, in my case, I find that it is true that it is harder to forget the pain than to remember the sweetness.

Yesterday was the 4th anniversary of my mother's death.  It has always been a difficult day for me.  I suspect, and I've been told, it doesn't get easier.  It seems on this day all the longing, the regrets, the what should have beens come flooding in.

My mother loved me immensely.  I loved her just as much.

But, there was a disconnect.  There was an emotional detachment that I don't quite understand. 

It makes it hard to remember the sweetness.

So yesterday I began an exercise in purposeful remembering.  I started to write the things, the wonderful beautiful things I do remember.  A special birthday cake.  An after school project.  A recipe book.
Her sparkling eyes.  Her beautiful smile.  Her songs.  Her warmth.  Her love.

I want to jumpstart my memory.  I want to remember more sweetness. I want it to last.  I want happiness to sear my heart. My mind. My memory.  I want to have scars from peace.

Peace

It seems for the majority of my life my goal has been to gain some sense of Peace.

To stop the free fall into the abyss.

I like Peace. 

I need Peace.

And trust me my life has need of Peace. Probably the past has caused an undue emphasis on the need for Peace.

However, the sad fact is that I have had an extreme definition of Peace.  That definition has encompassed there being no disturbance, no friction, no upset of any kind effecting what I feel is my balance.  So, if the actions of another cause a disturbance, friction, or upset -- guess what?  Yep.  They are out. I might get to keep my sense of balance, but people tend to get just thrown aside because let's face it, nothing is more important than my sense of peace.

I'm not saying Peace shouldn't be a goal.  However, a re-examination of my definition of Peace is probably in order.

So how does one keep the Peace and keep the People as well?

Active Examination

I've been experiencing a metamorphosis of sorts lately. A lot of inner reflection -- which isn't new for me. What is new is the self examination has progressed beyond a passive viewing the inner self and acknowledging the existence of its components by merely nodding an affirmation. I have moved into an active assessment of these components. I have begun to engage in an analysis of these individual aspects and question their roots, their validity, their value, their permanence.

Are these elements of my True Self? Are they part of a False Self?

If part of my True Self, what work is required to strengthen them? How do they serve the whole of my life? Are they in any way thwarted or compromised? What is needed to expand and build them?

If these are elements of a False Self, what work is required to remove them? Is understanding the origin of their existence necessary in eliminating them? Or, is understanding their false nature sufficient to rid them? What purpose have they served and what part of my True Self has been crippled or vanquished by these replacement parts? What is the real work of removing them?

Self assessment is vital.. It is imperative. But, it must progress beyond passive acceptance into active transformation. Merely acknowledging the existence of a False Self does not rid it.  A dynamic pursuit is required to rid false aspects from one's existence.  This is the path to successful existence.

No man has a chance to enjoy permanent success until he begins to look in a mirror for the real cause of all his mistakes. -- Napoleon Hill

Time Lapse

This blog may be likened to watching a time lapse video. A very slow progression! 2007............2010....2011. At least this time there hasn't been that much of a lapse between posts.

I've decided to start writing. I'm not sure what word to use to qualify my writing.

Writing again? I'm not sure I've ever written so saying writing again doesn't seem appropriate.

Writing seriously? That one scares me. What are my goals for writing seriously? Do I want to be published? Do I just want to purge the rambling thoughts that crowd my mind? Do I want the next great American novel?

Writing fiction? Writing poetry? Writing non-fiction? What? What will I be writing? I'm not sure. I just know I've always had this urge, this drive, to write. And someone has recently inspired me to believe I can really do it.

So, I've decided to start writing.

Spending Fast

No, I'm not talking about spending money as quickly as it can be spent! I'm talking about fasting (taking a break) from ALL "non-essential" spending.

I'm currently on my 4th day of a spending fast that started when I was challenged by a tag-line from Advent Conspiracy's website -- Moving from Consumption to Compassion. The word Consumption was glaring to me. I started thinking about just how much I, as a consumer, consume. I was struck by the thought that not a day goes by that I haven't purchased something. A drink at Buc-ee's, a bite to eat while I'm on the go, a cute shirt off the rack, etc and so on.

My thoughts then wondered to other areas of consumption...too much food, too much drink, too much time. And then it dawned on me. Something that has been gnawing under my skin for quite some time really. I don't live my life on purpose. I live my life on a whim. Whatever I want to do at any given moment, I've given myself liberty to do. I've had no center. I've had no map, really, to help guide me to my destination.

The problem with living on a whim is that one gets knocked around quite a bit. Any wind of change could cause a change in course because there is no clear direction to begin with. I've imagined a place, a situation, a preferred life, but have assumed that just by thinking about it, or wanting it, I would attain it. I've haven't considered the actions I have been taking have derailed any movement toward realization of this preferred life. I've had a goal, but I've had no plan to reach my goal.

With this fast, I'm starting to put substance, tangible results, to my goals -- at the very least I have a plan of action. I suspect it will have far greater impact than just on my spending habits.

To Blog or Not To Blog

Considering the amount of traffic that zooms through cyberspace, why would anyone bother with posting thoughts on the internet? Why not just write in a journal, or share those thoughts with someone face to face, for that matter? Still, in all people I think there is a desire to be heard -- to fling some part of the self to the furtherest possible recesses of the universe. Maybe it is a desire to escape. Or, maybe it is a desire to be part of something bigger. Whatever the reason, here we are flinging our thoughts onto the cyber-highway.

In the spirit of exchanging thoughts, I would like to share this quote. Poet Adrienne Rich speaks on intimacy in her notes on women honor and lying:

Intimacy: It is not that we have to tell everything, or to tell all at once, or even to know beforehand all that we need to tell. But an honorable relationship is one in which we are trying, all the time, to extend the possibilities of truth between us, of life between us.